So it's been about five days since i've been back; i already feel the sense of boredom. All i do is sit and eat and watch Tv. It's kind of like the first week of christmas. Where i come home and I do nothing. I spent last night at my aunt's house; just using there interenet... To download cds' i didnt own. I havent even unpacked anything yet. I have no money in my bank. i have literally .06 cents. I feel extremely bad. Because im still waiting for hear from the Gap. I had an interview on Monday during the day; and i was even early dressed the best i could; and i'd thought the interview went quite well; basically i said im looking at this expierence as a well rounded buisness opportunity. Plus to make some potential money. I am just need something to literally do with my time. Im not like most summer college kids; i want to work ; photograph; and make money; i dont want to sleep till 2pm; and get out and drink. The pressure for me is really on. Im on my self and i know my parents are on me too (and it will only get worse next year) My dad has been home alot more since right now he is out of work. It's been difficult becasue i just have no means of asking for money to go out when people ask me. I want to be sucessful but it's hard when you move home when no one is here.. or no one is willing to accept you to hire you. College kids in the summer have had it so tough.... ::.


On the other hand; im learning to be ok ...(yes OK) about the whole single thing once again i have to continue to learn to live with it. Forget ehmarmoney,plenty of fish, and such sites like that im done...becasue everything i try; it just doesnt go the way i want it. Spritiaul lIfe is a bit better; deffinetly spending time in prayer more. Just comitting to ..Jesus and the power of my faith more.... I know God has called me to deeply look at the way im living and i think just giving Him me ; will just really honestly take away the pain i felt when i knew that a close friend of mine just known as *M got into a relationship and i didnt... and i was still alex. Now i cant even go to facebook and look at M's page because i know that its just hurts way to much. I mean come on ... i try to tell myself that someday (i mean if mariah carey can get married...at like 30 something ....) then so can i. As M' said to me that last time i talked to them : just keep hoping. But i think in my mind ; how can i hope for soemthing that hasnt be sucessful ; at all? I just cant figure anything anymore. And the one person who i know wants me; more than a friend ... i cant just date because we believe so many different things than sex. I told him i wanted so much more than our friendship and he says "what do you want" and i said "i want us but i know you want something i can not give you". then he flat outside "You have alot of things that you need to think about". ... I will not not not give up my virginity. Thats for me and for the one i marry. I just cant go and give up something like that? Are you kidding me? >... if hes asking me to choose between my God and my man ...then GOD....yes...!

As the week presses on; my dad and are trying to get the new room figured out becasue it's just to chaotic. Something i just cant handle. Everything is outta oder; The closet is way to chaotic. The room is simplistic* I can't live with cluttered. I need things Simplistic. I just want my room to reflect the fact that im just here for 3 months and then im not there. I think one of the reasons I really hate the midwest; is the fact that guys here just can't respect big women. Im a full-figured beautiful women. It seems like the south love us. Someone out there has to love me. [ some day im hoping to find my whoever] Its just that guys just cant ever learn to accept me : for me: love for me: and be for me:.... [ Gee God i wonder?] in the midwest...thats why im hoping to move somewhere...... I also feel this pressure on my self to watch what i eat... Im stuck on that nasty school food all year long. (that made me loose weight like crazy!) and i love it for that; but when im at home it's a different story... all this delicious food all over the place...Mmm! Im beginning to think maybe yoga or regluar exercising since at school my exercising was walking everywhere. Getting my exercise that way.. but while im here i feel so much pressure becasue every one is so diet crazed, loosing weight, making sure there skinny and beautiful and healthy. I watched mtv's True Life "Im happy being Fat". I never thought ... that people ...could make a show like that>.. I've never had alot of pressure on me to loose weight or to look a certain way; i know that society & guys make me out to be "fat , obeese , a whale you name it...i've been called it... But im accepted now; in miad people dont look at me and says shes fat. Im me. I dont want to change but now that Im at home there's a pressure i've put on myself by watching this diet crazed tv to really look at what i eat, do and who and where i go.


I dont know exactly how things will turn out ..because things are so weird and it's about like 4 or 5 days in summer. I already want to be back in school... Have i become a work-a-holic...? I dont want to go back to school..but i just want to be at a real job...Making Money. Last night i talked to my cousin who is like 30 or something who lives of student loans because he goes to school online and he's working on a second masters. hes nothing but a fat lazy asshole. He hasnt had a job his whole life i dont think. He doesnt make jack shit ; and just i bet He looks at porn.... I just dont want to end up like him fat, ugly, racking up-loans and going on and on about that werido Obama... LAME. [ that was my rant for today]

So..all in all now we play the waiting game. For Gap..to call back (if they ever do). Im waiting....GAP. ..but im working on the whole internship as well..but bored as ever now...well see.