Today of all days; Things have to get even more stressful on me than they already are...
I feel like I just don't need to exist anymore. I feel that bad.

I go to talk to my advisor for school : to get register for classes next year the 2008-2009 year you have to have your faculty head sign your registration form . So after i had all my stuff filled out and it looked Good. My faculty member and I met , and he was expressing his concern for me say that he pretty much doesn't understand how I've made it this far with the grades I've gotten because it's mostly C's & B's. But mostly C's.. He says out of everyone in the Junior class that my work is the least he understand the most; and that my work looks like it came out of high school. That my work is not going to be good enough for the "college" level. He says that I need to learn how to set the bar higher..I need to try to do better. He said I'm not trying to hurt your feelings; but I am just being honest. At that moment I tried to hold my tears back while he was saying this. As he reluctantly signed my schedule. I told him I understood his intents I will try as hard as I ever have... I walked out there just wanting to completely drop out MIAD for good... I don't know how much more I can take of this? No one has faith in me & my skills anymore....


So what do I do? I don't exactly know but as I walked down to get my lunch the tears flowed down my face; it was like my heart had sunk deeper... I cant just let something like this go.... I went to lunch reluctantly... walking away from something like that was hard. I sat down with Kristina, and just told her as I cried over paper napkins. I said I cant be something someone else wants me to be. That criticism was not constructive... It hurt me more than anything making me feel like I would never be good enough for the teachers here @ MIAD or good enough for Larry Chattman. I just really question the motives behind these things that people try to makes us into something we aren't? I cant be anything less than I am. The thing I feel mostly is that they don't cater to my specific demographic. They treat students with inabilities to really process like crap. I really getting tired of this and people's criticism.… When will people start trying to accept my skills for me and only for me? I mean I'm showing in 3 galleries right now... Doesn't that have something to do with it? I feel like that people need to learn to accept my skills and talents for what they are....


God...where are You? Why...do I have to constantly feel like I've failed? I want to know that my time here is well spent... and that God brought me to this place to become a better artist. I literally feel like I will have a breakdown. I just want to know God is in this with me and that He knows what He is doing with me; school why does it always seemed to be the most difficult times in our lives especially in a young women's lives? Im just so tired of this; Im tired of feeling like this : i just want God to take me and tell me it will be ok... and things will work out : but somehow i don't feel like they ever will.

I feel so hopeless in my efforts to do my best in school. I've struggled to get this far...when will it be enough....?


when will everything be enough....?