Saturday, July 14, 2007
Summer, Let me try to be brief about this, This summer has hurt me more than anything. I came home for a month not only to find a job but to do nothing. I come back Here to Milwaukee, to not only for a month try to find a job but sink to the lowest things ever.
I started to play this game known as Second Life. Which is kinda like the sims, where you can be people and earn money and date others it's like a virtual reality. I had recieved the link from a friend to download it. I Had started playing it more and more as summer came on, i had so much fun playing it. It started to consume me, The game became my life. It became everything i had. I started thinking about it all the time, missing church for it staying up late just to talk to people and someone who was my boyfriend in the game. Then it got even worse, i was starting to get blocked by people and no one wanted to be friends with me. I didnt understand why, then i had to realize that look what i was doing? I finally had to have people tell it to me straight and quit the game after a meltdown over this guy who i wanted to be with in the game, didnt like me because i moved to fast.
After i quit, it was hard because so badly i wanted to go and play the game, but i had to let it go. I had to have a serious long talk with God About how just broken i am, how could He let me face so much lonliness only to resort to a world that's not real. It's just only real if your consumed with it. It hurt because i thought all those pepople i cared about, well they didn't care about me. I could only realize that they aren't my friends. They are just online buddies. After only a day, of quitting the game i sat at my volunteer job and just thought about it, my heart really hurting, because i cared about these people. My friend who i had made who is a christian from this game who i still talk to on yahoo every now and then, said "Give it to God Alex" you cant keeping going on like this. I realized then and there that's what i had to do. I had to give to Him,because even though as mentally crazy as i was and as broken and isolated, i need to give to Him, i laid this hurt at God's Feet. This world that isnt real i cant live in .
Now, even a week after i feel, it's still hard because i so desperatly want to log in to the game, and start over but i know that it's Good for me to get out. I started to really think "why do i have these people in my life?" too, i mean why are these people in my life? Family and Friends i know why they are but these people in this reality world why? God has His arms open wide, and they are around me, i am seeking help from my youth pastor Matt, and seeking help from others sharing to those closest to me whats going on. I nearly let it all out while samantha took me home last saturday.I Told her hi wish things were different but they are not. They Just hurt. They really do.
I recently the day after wrote a jounral about my expierence and i wrote "It's lonley to be between a fantasy world and reality". I have found that by letting go and comming to Jesus and by being in school and by getting involved and letting it go, im starting to see the black and all the white fade to grey.
Its still is a challenge and i am still broken and alone, but i am seeking God in this time of wisdom.
-Alex
? Published at 5:32 PM