Things are so hard it seems, it seems that when your older they only get harder. I'm really going through a rough time right now, things are just out and down. and no one seems to be able to help me. It's like it's no one can understand. Today i got into a fight with natalie because she said "i was hostile" because she had this quote by freud about faith that it's just mental projection for us to make ourselves feel better. I told her i thought it was ridiculous and that He didn't know what he was talking about becasue he had no faith. Then she was like leave your hostility and your attitude at the door. Be nice. i was like seriously are you kidding me? I think thats killing me the most. it hurts me because i am struggling in a big city (we'll two years) and i am trying my hardest to find work, because i have no money and my parents can't really help me out, and she has everything handed to her. All her bills are paid and she lives in an apartment and she doesn't pay for one thing. The only thing my parents help me out with is school nothing else. I've tried so hard to be happy in Milwaukee. I wasn't happy at home, because i had no job and i was bored but now it's all repeatative. I miss my parents, i need work, and there is no one around milwaukee really to hang out with. i am here all alone, i mean there are friends here but they are busy and intitutative with their own lives. I ride my bike to church this morning with no sleep in 24 hours determined to make a difference in my spiritual life. and i sit by two of my friends that went to my school that well dont anymore. But i still feel disconnected in my own church like i know no one. I call my dad today to wish him happy father's day but nearly almost cried while saying it. I miss my dad so much. It's like i feel there is no one i can count on anymore. I've been praying more, praying for help. but it really hurts. My prayers come out all choked up and they end out in tears just begging for God to help me find work. Today was the first day in a week that i left to go somewhere. I spend mostly the week in my room alone, because i have no money and no where to go. Well except for a visit to the grocery store. i want so badly for work, for friends it pains me. my spirtual life has been doing somewhat better ive been taking time for it. but i feel that God is all i have right now. there is no one else. I know that it's time to really trust, and i have been doing that. Im learning to trust him and now that God knows it's right for me to be here. But at the same time i feel so alone, and like i've got no one. I don't think people who are around me know just how much it hurts deep inside... I spend alot of the time watching tv on my computer, or sleeping. I seem to cry alot. Let's just say maybe relapse again of depression. i've always said that it hits me bad during winter, and summer. Spring is always good. but it feels like i'm returning to that previous alex, who was always alone and sad. I just don't know what i can do anymore. I want to be with my dad .i want so much to be older i mean i am almost 21 and i need help from my parents. I feel like i've got no strength of my own to stand on. LIfe is really lonley in a big city with no friends. except for God.