Things are never the same; I've been facing an extremely tough time.
I'm frustrated with Thesis.
I got my heartbroken by someone i cared about.
Life lets you down so much.

God just hold my hand. Hold me up.
Just be my Ultimate.

-Alex




Today (Sunday)--Is mother's day.... and my mom is gone to be with the Lord. And im ok with that. -My Mom is with Him and thats where she belongs.

On the other hand, God is working .... I can feel and I see it. I got the job at GapKids. I will be officially starting on Monday....Im really still worried about the money Situation. Ive overdrafted my account by accident .. I know GOD will take care of that. I have come to find out that Going to church on Sunday's have been really helpful....I've feel so drawn to what steve had shared with us today. especially about the are we impatient with GOD? Do we constantly wait on God to give us something? He used the example of Abram. When Sarai was impatient in having a child. and she Doubted God. She doubted the Lord would give her a child at her age. Steve has been sharing the many names of God with us today was el shaddai Which means God Almighty who is all sufficient. Ive come before Him to realize : GOD IS ENOUGH. I think that more over, that even though i worry about things like money, jobs, friends, that God is amazingly has become so apparent in Really revealing Who He is. I feel that God has worked already, he provided me with a job, and some people left here to talk to. He's been working out things in this whole dating thing "when i dont realize it". I didnt realize that He's become my sufficent. I dont really think about dating. Also 1Corinthians 7 Has been helpful in that sorta of thing.


Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others.- 1 Corinthians 7:7

I think That God..has sustained himself right now..especially in planting and showing visually He provides, for a job. Also..He seems to work in Church also showing me the words that I needed to hear... God Is ENOUGH.





So it's been about five days since i've been back; i already feel the sense of boredom. All i do is sit and eat and watch Tv. It's kind of like the first week of christmas. Where i come home and I do nothing. I spent last night at my aunt's house; just using there interenet... To download cds' i didnt own. I havent even unpacked anything yet. I have no money in my bank. i have literally .06 cents. I feel extremely bad. Because im still waiting for hear from the Gap. I had an interview on Monday during the day; and i was even early dressed the best i could; and i'd thought the interview went quite well; basically i said im looking at this expierence as a well rounded buisness opportunity. Plus to make some potential money. I am just need something to literally do with my time. Im not like most summer college kids; i want to work ; photograph; and make money; i dont want to sleep till 2pm; and get out and drink. The pressure for me is really on. Im on my self and i know my parents are on me too (and it will only get worse next year) My dad has been home alot more since right now he is out of work. It's been difficult becasue i just have no means of asking for money to go out when people ask me. I want to be sucessful but it's hard when you move home when no one is here.. or no one is willing to accept you to hire you. College kids in the summer have had it so tough.... ::.


On the other hand; im learning to be ok ...(yes OK) about the whole single thing once again i have to continue to learn to live with it. Forget ehmarmoney,plenty of fish, and such sites like that im done...becasue everything i try; it just doesnt go the way i want it. Spritiaul lIfe is a bit better; deffinetly spending time in prayer more. Just comitting to ..Jesus and the power of my faith more.... I know God has called me to deeply look at the way im living and i think just giving Him me ; will just really honestly take away the pain i felt when i knew that a close friend of mine just known as *M got into a relationship and i didnt... and i was still alex. Now i cant even go to facebook and look at M's page because i know that its just hurts way to much. I mean come on ... i try to tell myself that someday (i mean if mariah carey can get married...at like 30 something ....) then so can i. As M' said to me that last time i talked to them : just keep hoping. But i think in my mind ; how can i hope for soemthing that hasnt be sucessful ; at all? I just cant figure anything anymore. And the one person who i know wants me; more than a friend ... i cant just date because we believe so many different things than sex. I told him i wanted so much more than our friendship and he says "what do you want" and i said "i want us but i know you want something i can not give you". then he flat outside "You have alot of things that you need to think about". ... I will not not not give up my virginity. Thats for me and for the one i marry. I just cant go and give up something like that? Are you kidding me? >... if hes asking me to choose between my God and my man ...then GOD....yes...!

As the week presses on; my dad and are trying to get the new room figured out becasue it's just to chaotic. Something i just cant handle. Everything is outta oder; The closet is way to chaotic. The room is simplistic* I can't live with cluttered. I need things Simplistic. I just want my room to reflect the fact that im just here for 3 months and then im not there. I think one of the reasons I really hate the midwest; is the fact that guys here just can't respect big women. Im a full-figured beautiful women. It seems like the south love us. Someone out there has to love me. [ some day im hoping to find my whoever] Its just that guys just cant ever learn to accept me : for me: love for me: and be for me:.... [ Gee God i wonder?] in the midwest...thats why im hoping to move somewhere...... I also feel this pressure on my self to watch what i eat... Im stuck on that nasty school food all year long. (that made me loose weight like crazy!) and i love it for that; but when im at home it's a different story... all this delicious food all over the place...Mmm! Im beginning to think maybe yoga or regluar exercising since at school my exercising was walking everywhere. Getting my exercise that way.. but while im here i feel so much pressure becasue every one is so diet crazed, loosing weight, making sure there skinny and beautiful and healthy. I watched mtv's True Life "Im happy being Fat". I never thought ... that people ...could make a show like that>.. I've never had alot of pressure on me to loose weight or to look a certain way; i know that society & guys make me out to be "fat , obeese , a whale you name it...i've been called it... But im accepted now; in miad people dont look at me and says shes fat. Im me. I dont want to change but now that Im at home there's a pressure i've put on myself by watching this diet crazed tv to really look at what i eat, do and who and where i go.


I dont know exactly how things will turn out ..because things are so weird and it's about like 4 or 5 days in summer. I already want to be back in school... Have i become a work-a-holic...? I dont want to go back to school..but i just want to be at a real job...Making Money. Last night i talked to my cousin who is like 30 or something who lives of student loans because he goes to school online and he's working on a second masters. hes nothing but a fat lazy asshole. He hasnt had a job his whole life i dont think. He doesnt make jack shit ; and just i bet He looks at porn.... I just dont want to end up like him fat, ugly, racking up-loans and going on and on about that werido Obama... LAME. [ that was my rant for today]

So..all in all now we play the waiting game. For Gap..to call back (if they ever do). Im waiting....GAP. ..but im working on the whole internship as well..but bored as ever now...well see.





It's been awhile since' i've written in my blogger. I will try to update as best i can.

I have finished another year of school. It's all over and im glad. School in the past three months, have been really taxing on me. I realized for the first time this week is God. God is the one i so desperatly come to need. He is the one that walks with my to class and holds my hand through some of the hardest things i've faced this year. I've come to discover; as we get older in life; and we face being on our own. God is the only one I want in my life. How can i put this more; i so desperatley need my father. I cant live without Him. As much as I've cried, feeling i want just to die, God was listening. The loss of my friend, the heartache ive suffered God put me through this to only push His importance in my life this year.

It's been another year of my life; of college and i feel like God has given me Him and i need to give Him Me. I plan to make this summer in really knowing God deeper; forgetting the past; the person who i am and i will make a change.

I never will look back on the year and say why? Why did God let me face such brokeness, despair, hurt at times. I sometimes wonder so hard why ? but God says "Your my child I love You" .

I take this summer as an opportunity an opportunity to Grow Closer to My Father. The One true Thing in my life Jesus Christ.





today i was in a meeting with Niel Hoffman , our president of MIAD. I still feel like i am lacking confidence in knowing i want to return to MIAD. I question the intentions of the school. I feel like what Niel had to say OK, but I felt like Tony was the one who listened and wrote down to really hear what I say but Friday night; and Friday was good. I tried to really keep a positive attitude about things: but the year is really stressing me out. Everything is weighing me down. I feel as if i want to just quit...quit ..quit... but Tonight i finally cried. Just let it all out; i let it all out and prayed and cried out to my father; God; I really wanted to pray that i learn to trust Him.

I know that Jesus brought me here for a reason. i wonder. what that reason is. but i know that God would never give us more than we can handle. I need to Trust in knowing that my senior thesis will be something that God wants for me; and for my life; But i really wonder what God is doing now? What am i learning from this experience of not really understanding me i think people seem to have towards me. I finally just cried and cried and really decided that to really trust God and knowing that God is here and I'm something. and my time is worth it

I know that God is here. and He is making the difference in my work; He pushed me... this far.

See, God has come to save me.I will trust in him and not be afraid. he Lord God is my strength and my song. He has given me victory - Isaiah 12:2




Today of all days; Things have to get even more stressful on me than they already are...
I feel like I just don't need to exist anymore. I feel that bad.

I go to talk to my advisor for school : to get register for classes next year the 2008-2009 year you have to have your faculty head sign your registration form . So after i had all my stuff filled out and it looked Good. My faculty member and I met , and he was expressing his concern for me say that he pretty much doesn't understand how I've made it this far with the grades I've gotten because it's mostly C's & B's. But mostly C's.. He says out of everyone in the Junior class that my work is the least he understand the most; and that my work looks like it came out of high school. That my work is not going to be good enough for the "college" level. He says that I need to learn how to set the bar higher..I need to try to do better. He said I'm not trying to hurt your feelings; but I am just being honest. At that moment I tried to hold my tears back while he was saying this. As he reluctantly signed my schedule. I told him I understood his intents I will try as hard as I ever have... I walked out there just wanting to completely drop out MIAD for good... I don't know how much more I can take of this? No one has faith in me & my skills anymore....


So what do I do? I don't exactly know but as I walked down to get my lunch the tears flowed down my face; it was like my heart had sunk deeper... I cant just let something like this go.... I went to lunch reluctantly... walking away from something like that was hard. I sat down with Kristina, and just told her as I cried over paper napkins. I said I cant be something someone else wants me to be. That criticism was not constructive... It hurt me more than anything making me feel like I would never be good enough for the teachers here @ MIAD or good enough for Larry Chattman. I just really question the motives behind these things that people try to makes us into something we aren't? I cant be anything less than I am. The thing I feel mostly is that they don't cater to my specific demographic. They treat students with inabilities to really process like crap. I really getting tired of this and people's criticism.… When will people start trying to accept my skills for me and only for me? I mean I'm showing in 3 galleries right now... Doesn't that have something to do with it? I feel like that people need to learn to accept my skills and talents for what they are....


God...where are You? Why...do I have to constantly feel like I've failed? I want to know that my time here is well spent... and that God brought me to this place to become a better artist. I literally feel like I will have a breakdown. I just want to know God is in this with me and that He knows what He is doing with me; school why does it always seemed to be the most difficult times in our lives especially in a young women's lives? Im just so tired of this; Im tired of feeling like this : i just want God to take me and tell me it will be ok... and things will work out : but somehow i don't feel like they ever will.

I feel so hopeless in my efforts to do my best in school. I've struggled to get this far...when will it be enough....?


when will everything be enough....?


Tonight after Miad Idol, me & Michael went and had coffee, and it was great to talk to him. Hes such a beautiful spirit. We discussed alot of things, and well frankly Im glad God puts encouraging people in our lives like him because i am able to talk to him about alot of bad things that are going on in my life.
I still dont think that kid that emailed me will ever emailed me back he was really bad with communication. And I kept freaking out and he finally just i think gave up on me which in terms ..i just gave up i keep somehow expecting an email... from him but there is none.

So i rely on my friends to hold me in their support, They do and i enjoy that. Also, i wish to really try and understand what it is, that people first inscribe to me , and decided to get to know me then once they find out who i am..they just really dont want to have anything to me. So i am not sure. I dont know although i wish that guy and i would have worked out he seemed amazing.


...i guess nott



thanks so much michael i really really aprreciate your heart and being there when i really needed it your amazing.