Striving to Be Christ Like

Hold Me Up Father

2008-09-12T12:51:00.000-07:00

Things are never the same; I've been facing an extremely tough time.
I'm frustrated with Thesis.
I got my heartbroken by someone i cared about.
Life lets you down so much.

God just hold my hand. Hold me up.
Just be my Ultimate.

-Alex

God Is Enough

2008-05-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

Today (Sunday)--Is mother's day.... and my mom is gone to be with the Lord. And im ok with that. -My Mom is with Him and thats where she belongs.

On the other hand, God is working .... I can feel and I see it. I got the job at GapKids. I will be officially starting on Monday....Im really still worried about the money Situation. Ive overdrafted my account by accident .. I know GOD will take care of that. I have come to find out that Going to church on Sunday's have been really helpful....I've feel so drawn to what steve had shared with us today. especially about the are we impatient with GOD? Do we constantly wait on God to give us something? He used the example of Abram. When Sarai was impatient in having a child. and she Doubted God. She doubted the Lord would give her a child at her age. Steve has been sharing the many names of God with us today was el shaddai Which means God Almighty who is all sufficient. Ive come before Him to realize : GOD IS ENOUGH. I think that more over, that even though i worry about things like money, jobs, friends, that God is amazingly has become so apparent in Really revealing Who He is. I feel that God has worked already, he provided me with a job, and some people left here to talk to. He's been working out things in this whole dating thing "when i dont realize it". I didnt realize that He's become my sufficent. I dont really think about dating. Also 1Corinthians 7 Has been helpful in that sorta of thing.

Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others.- 1 Corinthians 7:7

I think That God..has sustained himself right now..especially in planting and showing visually He provides, for a job. Also..He seems to work in Church also showing me the words that I needed to hear... God Is ENOUGH.

The Feeling of What She Needs

2008-05-07T14:14:00.000-07:00

So it's been about five days since i've been back; i already feel the sense of boredom. All i do is sit and eat and watch Tv. It's kind of like the first week of christmas. Where i come home and I do nothing. I spent last night at my aunt's house; just using there interenet... To download cds' i didnt own. I havent even unpacked anything yet. I have no money in my bank. i have literally .06 cents. I feel extremely bad. Because im still waiting for hear from the Gap. I had an interview on Monday during the day; and i was even early dressed the best i could; and i'd thought the interview went quite well; basically i said im looking at this expierence as a well rounded buisness opportunity. Plus to make some potential money. I am just need something to literally do with my time. Im not like most summer college kids; i want to work ; photograph; and make money; i dont want to sleep till 2pm; and get out and drink. The pressure for me is really on. Im on my self and i know my parents are on me too (and it will only get worse next year) My dad has been home alot more since right now he is out of work. It's been difficult becasue i just have no means of asking for money to go out when people ask me. I want to be sucessful but it's hard when you move home when no one is here.. or no one is willing to accept you to hire you. College kids in the summer have had it so tough.... ::.

On the other hand; im learning to be ok ...(yes OK) about the whole single thing once again i have to continue to learn to live with it. Forget ehmarmoney,plenty of fish, and such sites like that im done...becasue everything i try; it just doesnt go the way i want it. Spritiaul lIfe is a bit better; deffinetly spending time in prayer more. Just comitting to ..Jesus and the power of my faith more.... I know God has called me to deeply look at the way im living and i think just giving Him me ; will just really honestly take away the pain i felt when i knew that a close friend of mine just known as *M got into a relationship and i didnt... and i was still alex. Now i cant even go to facebook and look at M's page because i know that its just hurts way to much. I mean come on ... i try to tell myself that someday (i mean if mariah carey can get married...at like 30 something ....) then so can i. As M' said to me that last time i talked to them : just keep hoping. But i think in my mind ; how can i hope for soemthing that hasnt be sucessful ; at all? I just cant figure anything anymore. And the one person who i know wants me; more than a friend ... i cant just date because we believe so many different things than sex. I told him i wanted so much more than our friendship and he says "what do you want" and i said "i want us but i know you want something i can not give you". then he flat outside "You have alot of things that you need to think about". ... I will not not not give up my virginity. Thats for me and for the one i marry. I just cant go and give up something like that? Are you kidding me? >... if hes asking me to choose between my God and my man ...then GOD....yes...!

As the week presses on; my dad and are trying to get the new room figured out becasue it's just to chaotic. Something i just cant handle. Everything is outta oder; The closet is way to chaotic. The room is simplistic* I can't live with cluttered. I need things Simplistic. I just want my room to reflect the fact that im just here for 3 months and then im not there. I think one of the reasons I really hate the midwest; is the fact that guys here just can't respect big women. Im a full-figured beautiful women. It seems like the south love us. Someone out there has to love me. [ some day im hoping to find my whoever] Its just that guys just cant ever learn to accept me : for me: love for me: and be for me:.... [ Gee God i wonder?] in the midwest...thats why im hoping to move somewhere...... I also feel this pressure on my self to watch what i eat... Im stuck on that nasty school food all year long. (that made me loose weight like crazy!) and i love it for that; but when im at home it's a different story... all this delicious food all over the place...Mmm! Im beginning to think maybe yoga or regluar exercising since at school my exercising was walking everywhere. Getting my exercise that way.. but while im here i feel so much pressure becasue every one is so diet crazed, loosing weight, making sure there skinny and beautiful and healthy. I watched mtv's True Life "Im happy being Fat". I never thought ... that people ...could make a show like that>.. I've never had alot of pressure on me to loose weight or to look a certain way; i know that society & guys make me out to be "fat , obeese , a whale you name it...i've been called it... But im accepted now; in miad people dont look at me and says shes fat. Im me. I dont want to change but now that Im at home there's a pressure i've put on myself by watching this diet crazed tv to really look at what i eat, do and who and where i go.

I dont know exactly how things will turn out ..because things are so weird and it's about like 4 or 5 days in summer. I already want to be back in school... Have i become a work-a-holic...? I dont want to go back to school..but i just want to be at a real job...Making Money. Last night i talked to my cousin who is like 30 or something who lives of student loans because he goes to school online and he's working on a second masters. hes nothing but a fat lazy asshole. He hasnt had a job his whole life i dont think. He doesnt make jack shit ; and just i bet He looks at porn.... I just dont want to end up like him fat, ugly, racking up-loans and going on and on about that werido Obama... LAME. [ that was my rant for today]

So..all in all now we play the waiting game. For Gap..to call back (if they ever do). Im waiting....GAP. ..but im working on the whole internship as well..but bored as ever now...well see.

Sometimes I wish

2008-05-01T18:37:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since' i've written in my blogger. I will try to update as best i can.

I have finished another year of school. It's all over and im glad. School in the past three months, have been really taxing on me. I realized for the first time this week is God. God is the one i so desperatly come to need. He is the one that walks with my to class and holds my hand through some of the hardest things i've faced this year. I've come to discover; as we get older in life; and we face being on our own. God is the only one I want in my life. How can i put this more; i so desperatley need my father. I cant live without Him. As much as I've cried, feeling i want just to die, God was listening. The loss of my friend, the heartache ive suffered God put me through this to only push His importance in my life this year.

It's been another year of my life; of college and i feel like God has given me Him and i need to give Him Me. I plan to make this summer in really knowing God deeper; forgetting the past; the person who i am and i will make a change.

I never will look back on the year and say why? Why did God let me face such brokeness, despair, hurt at times. I sometimes wonder so hard why ? but God says "Your my child I love You" .

I take this summer as an opportunity an opportunity to Grow Closer to My Father. The One true Thing in my life Jesus Christ.

Alone and I'm in between

2008-04-05T01:01:00.000-07:00

today i was in a meeting with Niel Hoffman , our president of MIAD. I still feel like i am lacking confidence in knowing i want to return to MIAD. I question the intentions of the school. I feel like what Niel had to say OK, but I felt like Tony was the one who listened and wrote down to really hear what I say but Friday night; and Friday was good. I tried to really keep a positive attitude about things: but the year is really stressing me out. Everything is weighing me down. I feel as if i want to just quit...quit ..quit... but Tonight i finally cried. Just let it all out; i let it all out and prayed and cried out to my father; God; I really wanted to pray that i learn to trust Him.

I know that Jesus brought me here for a reason. i wonder. what that reason is. but i know that God would never give us more than we can handle. I need to Trust in knowing that my senior thesis will be something that God wants for me; and for my life; But i really wonder what God is doing now? What am i learning from this experience of not really understanding me i think people seem to have towards me. I finally just cried and cried and really decided that to really trust God and knowing that God is here and I'm something. and my time is worth it

I know that God is here. and He is making the difference in my work; He pushed me... this far.

See, God has come to save me.I will trust in him and not be afraid. he Lord God is my strength and my song. He has given me victory - Isaiah 12:2

Discouragment.

2008-04-02T11:23:00.000-07:00

Today of all days; Things have to get even more stressful on me than they already are...
I feel like I just don't need to exist anymore. I feel that bad.

I go to talk to my advisor for school : to get register for classes next year the 2008-2009 year you have to have your faculty head sign your registration form . So after i had all my stuff filled out and it looked Good. My faculty member and I met , and he was expressing his concern for me say that he pretty much doesn't understand how I've made it this far with the grades I've gotten because it's mostly C's & B's. But mostly C's.. He says out of everyone in the Junior class that my work is the least he understand the most; and that my work looks like it came out of high school. That my work is not going to be good enough for the "college" level. He says that I need to learn how to set the bar higher..I need to try to do better. He said I'm not trying to hurt your feelings; but I am just being honest. At that moment I tried to hold my tears back while he was saying this. As he reluctantly signed my schedule. I told him I understood his intents I will try as hard as I ever have... I walked out there just wanting to completely drop out MIAD for good... I don't know how much more I can take of this? No one has faith in me & my skills anymore....

So what do I do? I don't exactly know but as I walked down to get my lunch the tears flowed down my face; it was like my heart had sunk deeper... I cant just let something like this go.... I went to lunch reluctantly... walking away from something like that was hard. I sat down with Kristina, and just told her as I cried over paper napkins. I said I cant be something someone else wants me to be. That criticism was not constructive... It hurt me more than anything making me feel like I would never be good enough for the teachers here @ MIAD or good enough for Larry Chattman. I just really question the motives behind these things that people try to makes us into something we aren't? I cant be anything less than I am. The thing I feel mostly is that they don't cater to my specific demographic. They treat students with inabilities to really process like crap. I really getting tired of this and people's criticism.… When will people start trying to accept my skills for me and only for me? I mean I'm showing in 3 galleries right now... Doesn't that have something to do with it? I feel like that people need to learn to accept my skills and talents for what they are....

God...where are You? Why...do I have to constantly feel like I've failed? I want to know that my time here is well spent... and that God brought me to this place to become a better artist. I literally feel like I will have a breakdown. I just want to know God is in this with me and that He knows what He is doing with me; school why does it always seemed to be the most difficult times in our lives especially in a young women's lives? Im just so tired of this; Im tired of feeling like this : i just want God to take me and tell me it will be ok... and things will work out : but somehow i don't feel like they ever will.

I feel so hopeless in my efforts to do my best in school. I've struggled to get this far...when will it be enough....?

when will everything be enough....?

I Blame You For The Good In My Life...[my door will always be open]

2008-03-28T22:11:00.000-07:00

Tonight after Miad Idol, me & Michael went and had coffee, and it was great to talk to him. Hes such a beautiful spirit. We discussed alot of things, and well frankly Im glad God puts encouraging people in our lives like him because i am able to talk to him about alot of bad things that are going on in my life.
I still dont think that kid that emailed me will ever emailed me back he was really bad with communication. And I kept freaking out and he finally just i think gave up on me which in terms ..i just gave up i keep somehow expecting an email... from him but there is none.

So i rely on my friends to hold me in their support, They do and i enjoy that. Also, i wish to really try and understand what it is, that people first inscribe to me , and decided to get to know me then once they find out who i am..they just really dont want to have anything to me. So i am not sure. I dont know although i wish that guy and i would have worked out he seemed amazing.

...i guess nott

thanks so much michael i really really aprreciate your heart and being there when i really needed it your amazing.

April is almost here.. And I Don't Think I'm Ok ...

2008-03-25T14:35:00.000-07:00

Lets see where to begin? I really am not loving school, I loath every minute of it. I struggle just intensely. I just don't really understand anything or anyone anymore. Everything seems to bring me down. I feel like I can trust no one, anymore. I don't feel desire to love anyone. I feel the need to just get everything done in time for the end of junior year. I wish I had a reason to be auk with my life, but stress is pressuring me a lot, I feel so much pressure on me. Everyone watching me and everyone looking at me to make a the next move, and when I do that, I fail. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the barrel with my stress. Its like I feel all of this bottled up inside me. For the longest time and I just don't understand how to exactly deal with it. My life I feel like is so shambled I just need a break and not do anything for a month but work.. Is this really how life is? This rope around my neck called school isn't helping the pressure. (I just really don't want to be like this forever.)

In other news, I've been emailing with a guy, named P *(name with held) and He says he's from here, but his myspace says He's not from WI (but from SD) His email also says a different name than his Mspace.. It's not that i don't trust him but I guess i am confused about the situation! He seems sweet and I hope to get to know him , because I think I'm really ready to move on from this whole "Stew" thing.. Because we aren't friends anymore and I've given up complete udder hope in really trying to understand him and this whole chastity thing. So aside from that I've moved on and realized... that my life without _____________ ..... is much better. No Drama, i can be in peace about the situation even though it ended badly, it will be ...OK.

I just don't know about anything or anymore. My life is lost out of priority. I skip class to sleep i play games to much. I'm slacking majorly... i really need to get my life on track. God please Help me.

lets see if i will make it.

I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

2008-02-26T23:18:00.000-08:00

All who are weak,
All who are weary
Come to the rock,
Come to the fountain
All who have sailed
On the rivers of heartache
Come to the sea,
Come on be set free
All who are weak
All who are weary
Come to the rock
come to the fountain
All who have climbed
On the mountains of heartache
Reach to the stars
Come on give Your life
Heal me
Heal me (repeat)
All who are weak
All who are weary
All who are tired
All who are thirsty
All who have failed
All who have broken
Come to the rock
Come to the fountain
If You lead me Lord I will follow
Where You lead me Lord I will go
Come and heal me Lord I will follow
Where You lead me Lord I will go
I will go
I will go

im living by these words right now; im listening Lord..heal this pain.

ill be beside myself if grief.

2008-02-25T19:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Friend, what's on your mind
You don’t laugh the way you used to
But I've noticed how you cry
Dear friend, I feel so helpless
I see you sit in silence
As you face new pain each day
I feel there’s nothing I can do
I know you don’t feel pretty

Even though you are
But it wasn’t your beauty
That found room in my heart

Dear friend, you are so precious, Dear Friend

Dear friend, I'm here for you
I know that you don’t talk too much
But we can share this day anew
Dear Friend, please don’t feel like you're alone
There is someone who is praying
Praying for your peace of mind
Hoping joy is what you'll find
I know you don’t feel weak
Even though you are
But it wasn’t your strength
That found room in my heart

Dear friend, you are so precious, Dear Friend

katilyn horton august 1987-feburary 24 2008

ill miss your smile.

[sometimes life throw curves i wont ever understand]

2008-02-25T10:27:00.000-08:00

today; i dont how to deal..
shes gone...and i just dont know what to say or what to do...

Why aren't You Here"

2008-02-14T03:30:00.001-08:00

“Why aren’t you here?”

It seems so long ago, that I saw your face. You were cleaning up equipment and smiling as you were doing it.
I was leaving with my parents, to pick up the last of my things to go home for a year of change.
I said goodbye to you, and you looked up and smiled and told me to have a good summer.
I then went about my life, changing growing up. Back then things were good and clear.
When that year rolled off, and the New Year rolled around, and I got that sad message. That message that would change everything that I knew about you; only to form something that I will never fathom or really truly understand.
That you were missing and no one knew where you were. Everyone was out to find your smiling face, but no one knew. Where to go. Where to look.
Your family was in shock, and I was at a loss for words, to think where could you of gone?
You were missing you were not seen since the morning. We were trying to find you.
As I was trying to keep up with my daily routine all I could think of is you, where are you? Why aren’t you here? Why can’t I see your smile?
That faithful day that they found you, in lake Michigan No words were spoken only a letter left, that explained everything.
Pains, flowed throughout this time, as everyone tried to find the strength to really understand, why?
I traveled that day to come see you, to come remember with thousands of other people. Who you were, your giving smile, your kindness, not knowing how many people you had touched & changed.
So many loved friends were grieving with me, trying to understand why. Why you chose to leave the world.
Those words that were spoken, about you, at the day they set aside for you; your desires, your desires to know me, to know us. To know that God was in you, to see that you loved God so much; that God was there, that was you had these encouraging words; and these encouraging words to me; that God loves me and that you loved me too.
It’s been so hard to look at your smiling face; and to look and try to understand those words.” have a good summer” how could I have a good summer when your gone.
How could that encourage me? How can I be so encouraged LB when you were gone? …
I desired more and more to see you at this day set aside for you; the day that everyone came to honor you and you only. That day we wont forget; but we always are asking why? …
Why do we ask why? Why LB … why couldn’t you see that we loved you; that so many were encouraged by you?
Our tears cried…in the day set aside for you; really trying to find out whom you were; and …still asking the questions God why?
It’s three years later; now; I sit here listening to those words spoken on that day set aside for you; I can only think only, LB I miss you so much; I miss your encouragement, this journey has been so long without you LB;
I keep trying to ask myself why God why isn’t she here? Why did she do this to us? It’s been so hard and long,
I find encouragement in those words; that LB thought were so you were amazing. I find out so much through you word three years later; your smile; your face; even your mom encourages me.
Your life was an example; to me; to your family; to your friends to everyone. You were never being replaced; your smile still lights us up; and your pictures still make us smile; your prayers & thoughts I still think of.
When the future got to rough for us. We remember the God that you loved the most; you encourage us even though you are gone.
Even though we may question why? We know that you are in a better place with him.
We rely on those things that you make us never to forget that God loves us unconditionally, and so did you. Our lives are shorter than we think; and three years later you are still encouraging us to live life to the fullest; to encourage those around us.
You left us so young; but you left us with this gift; the gift of how precious our lives really is. To live each day as if it were our last day to encourage those around us; to lean hard on the one that gave us life: Jesus Christ.
I may never have the right words to describe how I feel about you; how much I was changed by your love & encouragement but I know that your with the One that loves you most; and that you are smiling at me. Saying. “God loves you”.
I ask now today; why aren’t you here? I miss you LB but there was no answer but God spoke saying: I love you; I am the one that formed you; you’re my child.
Why aren’t you here LB? Because you’re with Jesus. And three years later I’m still telling my self to have a good summer, as you told me to do; so long ago, I will never know the right words to tell you or how to say that I will love you till I’m dead.
LB ..your home . and i cant wait to get there to see your smiling face to welcome me in the arms of my Jesus.

Love you LB.

Why aren't you here? I miss you.

2008-02-14T01:53:00.000-08:00

I miss her alot.

When God is Silent.... Committed.

2008-02-05T00:27:00.000-08:00

It's been quite awhile, since i've posted anything on this lil blogg. It's pretty late in the morning, because i fell asleep after coming home, under my bed i fell asleep and had the strangest dream. I woke up at 1 am and decided well, I'd better get back in bed. It's been quite a busy well slow semester, I've been trying my hardest to get back on track, with God, school , and life, but sometimes for certainly life, doesn't go the way you want (and in my favor it will never will). I can certainly see that right now, Im having a pretty bad relapse of depression, and its been a struggle so far, to get out of bed some days, to face the world, to make good art, or to have common connection with people. I find myself wanting to spend time alone, and sleep or play second life. (which if you will read a previous post you will understand). It's a difficult thing to overcome, but i feel that when God is being silent about this and Im really trying to figure out where He is in all of this, but Tonight, was kinda of strange i kept hearing this whispered in my thoughts " I made you, I knit you together in your mother's womb, and i love you"... at least i know that I'm not alone. I for sure know God is there, but i am just weak. I pray with Gods help that i can come out of this slump. School has been quite a tizy, Common Ground, is going well but changing and sometimes those changes are hard for me to accept. I learn to deal with the things i have to learn to accept. It's hard being away from those that you love, this year is the 13th year that my mom has been gone, and last thursday was the anniversay of the death, and i had the hardest trying to remember that day .. (i wrote a creative writting piece on it in class) but God was there for that too, it was a way for me to process through the pain of such a hard situaion. Later that day, i called my dad and told her that it was important that he put flowers on her grave. He did, and i couldnt of been happier knowing that He still thinks of her, even though it's thirteen years later, As i continue writting, it becomes later in the morning its (2:35 am) and i should be sleeping but i cant seem to find 40 winks, to fall alseep, so ill begin to listen to chris tomlin, and think about what God has put in my life, to ease just the pain that im going through, sometimes, its so hard to get up & on with life, and make school work. I have no doubt that I'll get through it, but please pray i will.

"6 I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. 7 My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. 8 Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping 9 The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer." ~ Psalms 6:6-9

always
alex

"From the Stupid little Freakin things I do"

2007-11-28T20:58:00.000-08:00

Things are seemingly more stressful than ever , more painful, and couldn't get worse then they already are. I cant wait till the semester is over. I think honestly, things are so bad they really are. i have just feeling so out of everything. it started with this craig's list thing. i still cant understand this whole dating thing, i got emails from guys who seemed interested in me, and when they saw me they stopped emailing me, it makes me think that there is no one in this world for me. and that no one understands how i feel. And where is God ..in this? I dont know? its hard when you've heard this your whole life, and you know you will probably never date anyone and they will never come to you.

Secondly, it doesn't help that school on top of it is stressing me out, and the show was a disaster. I was supposed to hang five pieces, up and it just went terrible. i had to re do them,and then like katie was like your a junior you should know this stuff, i was like well yeah well it doesn't help when you have a.d.d and can't understand simple stuff. it has to be explained simply. It didn't help being yelled at by jackie on top of that because i didn't understand how to measure right.

Otherwise photo is going well, things are good. It doesnt help that i am sick , strep throat isnt fun. I could barely talk to day and missed dave's class twice. i was too tired to get up so i slept till 12:30 was late for class and then i couldn't go to the common ground meeting, im a bad cg leader. it doesnt help when your stressed and sick and just sick and tired of school. i think this month break will help me. no internet. just time for me to reflect on things and get strong in my faith. Also to try to get better and clean that room of mine up.

i cant wait till the day i know it's dec 14 then maybe i wont cry so much. but seriously i dont know where my life is going...where is God when in the relationships? when will i ever see a man in my life? ...

someday.

Searching Someone; Someone Searching.

2007-09-24T06:35:00.000-07:00

Face lost in the crowd
Feet wandering empty streets
Voice crying out loud
Heart aching with every beat

Someone searching
Searching for someone
Everywhere and endlessly
Wishing, waiting
Could there be someone?
Searching for
Someone searching

Soul battered and bruised
Pride wounded and left for dead
Ears deaf to good news
Eyes tear-drenched and sleepless red

Oh I hear the cry
And I know the pain
Can it be denied?
That everyone has been
And will be someone searching

Love standing alone
Hands scarred by the nails of hate
Hope suffering long
Faith urging it's not too late

Someone searching
Searching for someone
Everywhere and endlessly
Loving, longing
Always there's someone
Searching for someone
Someone searching

....i've found Him.

when the most confusing makes sense in a world of everyone who is better than you.

2007-08-28T01:48:00.000-07:00

Sometime when you just breath it. it all makes sense.

2007-08-19T03:20:00.000-07:00

sometimes you have to go with life.

Sometimes in life...you have to go home.

2007-08-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

50 Ferocious Camp Items.

2007-08-11T21:10:00.000-07:00

...This week was spent at camp. and let me tell you...A RIDE OF MY LIFE TIME!. The week was crazy. i had the best time and would do it all over again. The best part was this list of items :
1. Steve Heick, Amy Murray, Chris Boncimino, and Jeff- so much fun to hang out with ...way to much
2. "Get in the Kitchen"- the quote of the week. Thanks Colby for the "male" oriented devotion.
3. Sunburns from the field..not fun thanks to me not wearing sunblock.
4. Singing oldies in the field...the most fun!
5. Chris..and his "strippers" whoops i meant :striper:
6. Steve..and his "little rascales" hand signals
7. Seeing my favorite campers...mark, michelle, tim, and big v.
8. Being on the FORCE way better than campers.
9. Eating bearble amounts of junk food...(diet coke addictions)
10. Making a list of 50 most feroucious things on the last day.
11. Angry 4:00am shaving cream in my sleeping bag thanks to those boys! (i am still really mad about that)
12. Getting Slapped by Phil Peszat...(oh yeah THANKS PHIL....YOULL GET IT!!!)
13. Writting funny cards to all our leaders
14. Seeing and being at my home.
15. Bowling with Kurt...(lets go clubbin')
16.Meeting my long lost camp love..Kevin Steck.
17. Sitting around talking with Steve...so much fun.
18. Talking about old talent shows
19. Kevin on Kilimanjaro
20. Talking about Blogs.. telling Chris that his mom is such a sweetheart. and im glad i know her.
21. Searching for Bobbie Fischer
22. Moving Choirs
23. "Bobby Pointer is a crazy man" - Christa Boncimino
23. Square Dancing with my dance partner ...Stu --we brought the team back..tearing up the floor.
24. Doing cabin sweeps ..its sometimes hard when your rolling on the floor cracking up laughing at how dirty cabins are.
25. Beating frozen t-shirts against trees. i dont think ive ever laughed so hard.
26. Spending an hour in Walmart trying to find "the right shoes"
27. Rides with the crazy Fujita Boys.
28. Mexican Feista Night.
29. Laying in the field with Phil ...talking about marriage and maturity.
30. Burning an Ant Hill. thanks to piro technique.
31. Beach Parties..trying to get on the SDMS way to hard. thanks justin and lucy.
32. Singing "Sunshine on my Shoulders" to Justin
33. Seeing Grace, Melissa, and talking of matt krupa
34. Driving in fills truck..with bri and kayla..fun times
35. "DID YOU CHECK OUT HIS ABS?" - phil peszat ...hahha on referring to Kevin Steck
36. Simpons quotes to katie
37. Incredible driving golf cart style
38. Banquet dates..thanks putamitis
39. praying for andy p...alchy..i pray for thee!
40. Giving college advice to michelle. i love her.
41. Smores
42. Stories of Off being throwed in by Chris
43. Babeheram Lincoln
44. Devotions..or lack there of.
45. Incredible Worship ...felt God moving
46. Time spent with Christian fellowship
47. James 1:1-20 -changed my heart.
48. God moving an incredible way in my heart and the campers too.
49. Force 07- the best ever
50. Being at home...great.

As you can see 50 things on why camp this years was so great. I had the most incredible time, and even though i was working all the time, i felt God move in my heart. Also, saw it move in campers lives as well. I thank God for that. Thank God for a great PD team.

(ps. barb. your son is so much fun. we had fun talking about you. i told him that i was so glad to have you as my blog buddy!)

Sleeping with my Eyes Wide

2007-07-29T21:55:00.000-07:00

Things have sure changed. This summer has been nothing but a journey to discover what it is about myself that i most hate or most love. I figured that im scared of every loosing my faith. It scares me to death a life without God. I think that is what i discovered all summer.

I spent sometime dating, but i again question if thats what i really want? is that what God wants.I have begun to loose site of whats important in my life... I mean especially God. I need my father, i couldnt live with out God... Could you just imagine...

Without His love i dont know how id make it...in my life. thats why i so desperatly trying to show compassion to other people.

I've also discovered a bad side of me : alcohol... ive never been as trashed as i have been this summer. I REALLY. need to stop. its hard when you face pressure from your friends. Who all drink to, and you've had a crappy summer like me. Because your the only one who spends friday nights alone, because you dont party or drink....
so i stepped out and go wasted (well not so literal just typsy).

i guess thats just two things that ive learned one i hate and the other im loving but scared.

--soon off to LGYC to staff. i so desperatley need it. please pray for me.

-always
alex

Picking Up from a Broken Fantasy World

2007-07-14T17:32:00.000-07:00

Summer, Let me try to be brief about this, This summer has hurt me more than anything. I came home for a month not only to find a job but to do nothing. I come back Here to Milwaukee, to not only for a month try to find a job but sink to the lowest things ever.
I started to play this game known as Second Life. Which is kinda like the sims, where you can be people and earn money and date others it's like a virtual reality. I had recieved the link from a friend to download it. I Had started playing it more and more as summer came on, i had so much fun playing it. It started to consume me, The game became my life. It became everything i had. I started thinking about it all the time, missing church for it staying up late just to talk to people and someone who was my boyfriend in the game. Then it got even worse, i was starting to get blocked by people and no one wanted to be friends with me. I didnt understand why, then i had to realize that look what i was doing? I finally had to have people tell it to me straight and quit the game after a meltdown over this guy who i wanted to be with in the game, didnt like me because i moved to fast.

After i quit, it was hard because so badly i wanted to go and play the game, but i had to let it go. I had to have a serious long talk with God About how just broken i am, how could He let me face so much lonliness only to resort to a world that's not real. It's just only real if your consumed with it. It hurt because i thought all those pepople i cared about, well they didn't care about me. I could only realize that they aren't my friends. They are just online buddies. After only a day, of quitting the game i sat at my volunteer job and just thought about it, my heart really hurting, because i cared about these people. My friend who i had made who is a christian from this game who i still talk to on yahoo every now and then, said "Give it to God Alex" you cant keeping going on like this. I realized then and there that's what i had to do. I had to give to Him,because even though as mentally crazy as i was and as broken and isolated, i need to give to Him, i laid this hurt at God's Feet. This world that isnt real i cant live in .

Now, even a week after i feel, it's still hard because i so desperatly want to log in to the game, and start over but i know that it's Good for me to get out. I started to really think "why do i have these people in my life?" too, i mean why are these people in my life? Family and Friends i know why they are but these people in this reality world why? God has His arms open wide, and they are around me, i am seeking help from my youth pastor Matt, and seeking help from others sharing to those closest to me whats going on. I nearly let it all out while samantha took me home last saturday.I Told her hi wish things were different but they are not. They Just hurt. They really do.

I recently the day after wrote a jounral about my expierence and i wrote "It's lonley to be between a fantasy world and reality". I have found that by letting go and comming to Jesus and by being in school and by getting involved and letting it go, im starting to see the black and all the white fade to grey.

Its still is a challenge and i am still broken and alone, but i am seeking God in this time of wisdom.

-Alex

summer is a waist.

2007-06-21T21:33:00.001-07:00

I Hate Summer

Well I'm in the sun, sweat pouring down
Sticking to me, makes me feel dirty
Milwaukee sucks, I don't wanna go
I wanna go north, wanna see some snow
Summer's no fun, I don't swim I don't surf
The Pacific's not wet enough to quench my thirst
Well I hate summer yeah I hate summer
Now I hate summer yeah I hate summer
Summer blows, I can't wait 'till it goes
I hate summer oh I hate summer
I wanna go somewhere cold
I wanna see ice and snow (Get me out of this hole)

Ten minutes outside and I'm burnt bright red
Ninety in the shade, well I'd rather be dead
Some guy in a speedo, showing just what he packs
He's a musclebound lout kicking sand on my back
Get me off of the beach, the sand hurts my toes
Don't wanna suck in my stomach or peel my nose

I wanna feel the breeze
I wanna feel the freeze
I want out of the heat
The summer's no fun
Get me out of the sun

Well I hate summer yeah I hate summer
Now I hate summer yeah I hate summer
Summer blows, I can't wait 'till it goes
I hate summer oh I hate summer
I wanna go somewhere cold
I wanna see ice and snow (Get me out of this hole)

Life can feel so alone without someone who cares

2007-06-17T19:12:00.000-07:00

Things are so hard it seems, it seems that when your older they only get harder. I'm really going through a rough time right now, things are just out and down. and no one seems to be able to help me. It's like it's no one can understand. Today i got into a fight with natalie because she said "i was hostile" because she had this quote by freud about faith that it's just mental projection for us to make ourselves feel better. I told her i thought it was ridiculous and that He didn't know what he was talking about becasue he had no faith. Then she was like leave your hostility and your attitude at the door. Be nice. i was like seriously are you kidding me? I think thats killing me the most. it hurts me because i am struggling in a big city (we'll two years) and i am trying my hardest to find work, because i have no money and my parents can't really help me out, and she has everything handed to her. All her bills are paid and she lives in an apartment and she doesn't pay for one thing. The only thing my parents help me out with is school nothing else. I've tried so hard to be happy in Milwaukee. I wasn't happy at home, because i had no job and i was bored but now it's all repeatative. I miss my parents, i need work, and there is no one around milwaukee really to hang out with. i am here all alone, i mean there are friends here but they are busy and intitutative with their own lives. I ride my bike to church this morning with no sleep in 24 hours determined to make a difference in my spiritual life. and i sit by two of my friends that went to my school that well dont anymore. But i still feel disconnected in my own church like i know no one. I call my dad today to wish him happy father's day but nearly almost cried while saying it. I miss my dad so much. It's like i feel there is no one i can count on anymore. I've been praying more, praying for help. but it really hurts. My prayers come out all choked up and they end out in tears just begging for God to help me find work. Today was the first day in a week that i left to go somewhere. I spend mostly the week in my room alone, because i have no money and no where to go. Well except for a visit to the grocery store. i want so badly for work, for friends it pains me. my spirtual life has been doing somewhat better ive been taking time for it. but i feel that God is all i have right now. there is no one else. I know that it's time to really trust, and i have been doing that. Im learning to trust him and now that God knows it's right for me to be here. But at the same time i feel so alone, and like i've got no one. I don't think people who are around me know just how much it hurts deep inside... I spend alot of the time watching tv on my computer, or sleeping. I seem to cry alot. Let's just say maybe relapse again of depression. i've always said that it hits me bad during winter, and summer. Spring is always good. but it feels like i'm returning to that previous alex, who was always alone and sad. I just don't know what i can do anymore. I want to be with my dad .i want so much to be older i mean i am almost 21 and i need help from my parents. I feel like i've got no strength of my own to stand on. LIfe is really lonley in a big city with no friends. except for God.

Im Here It's Real.

2007-06-14T21:19:00.000-07:00

So here I am. Here I am in milwaukee. I have been here for one week. Surprising isn't it? I haven't been exactly happy here
But I am trying to put a brave face on it. I have been out applying for jobs. The first week I applied for eight jobs. I mean it's been hard. But I am surviving.
I think things are ok. I've been surviving the whole not having food thing, I mean not having school provide me with meals. I've been living on anything microwaveable.
I've been eating pretty well though. It's been ok, although i've been praying really hard to find a job. I have been worried that I wont be able to find anything. I've not been happy. here. So I obviously want to go home. It's been one week.

The first week was to get out there and market myself. really market. 6 jobs in one day. then 2 another day. but when I call half of them back, it's like sorry we aren't hiring anymore. It's TOUGH. being unemployed and young. Otherwise things, have been ok. Last night I finally hung out with my friends. It seems like I had been alone for a whole week, I even went to the beach by myself. It was nice to be me, and by myself but it has been quite hard because I feel like no one. I feel like a meth junky. Because I sleep all day, and get up @ 3 in the afternoon. But tonight I well let's just see didn't sleep at all last night and I got up @ 10:00am today feeling very blah.

Last night I hung out with Paul & Katie. Katie finally has moved above paul with stacia and Kendra. it was nice to see them. Paul has now graduated and I found out that he is leaving for bolivia for a month and also and he is moving to Chi-town with david and scottie (paul's younger brother). Seems kinda weird that paul and I wont be going to school together anymore. But I still will think of him fondly. We went to Starbucks to drink and hangout. They hugged me and I was like why are you hugging me? “Its only been one month. We decided to watch clueless. We are watching the movie, and Paul had his arm around katie, I think they have finally embraced a relationship. They were hugging and snuggling together. I think it's finally embraced to yes I am dating katie or yes I am dating paul. they took this with my computer. I think it's pretty obvious.

After they she left to go get the car, me and paul were left together and I was dying to ask him the question. Are you and katie dating? Otherwise it was nice to see friends.

I went to bed last night with a heavy mind and heart. Knowing that -i really need to get a job, and I am still alone and I've been watching a lot of wedding shows wondering [when will I finally ever get into a relationship were I am fully happy?] otherwise after I had called every place I could think of that was hiring, most of them were reviewing and either or/ not hiring.

....
but p.s. I called the sushi-a-go-go place... and I ... GOT AN INTERVIEW!
but hey. it's at 10 and I know im gonna score it, because I have had experience. So but it pains me so much because I want this so badly.
so yes that is it. so peace.
im watching project runway. that I love.

It brought Joy to My Heart

2007-03-22T23:40:00.001-07:00

I saw one in Jackson,
A week full of God's Work,
Not only pyschical but emotional.
It brought comfort and prayer to my heart,
I knew He was there,

In My eyes, He brought a little Reminder,
He made me think of a good friend,
who has made me smile and cared for me, even though we've never met.
I took joy in knowing Jesus was amongts us in Jackson.

to my dear friend barb,
thanks for everything prayer and simple thougts.
i saw a cardinal and made me think of you.
i was like aww i thought of you!
and i knew right then and there GOD was there!

♥ Alex

Nothing's Gonna Change My World

2007-02-12T18:53:00.000-08:00

Lately it seems that everyone is leaving. First the changes at Camp. Such as Chris Boncimino leaving then Denny McKendrick. Then it came at school first ben then caressa. Now then on saturday it was paul and david and many others who will be graduating and moving on. All these changes that i can't control. Im sinking deeper into my sadness. I cant control anything that is going on. I feel like all my friends that surrounded me with support are gone. The weekends come and go, and while all the other college students are out partying and getting drunk, i am spending weekends alone wondering why it is i have no friends? Or why is it that no one invites me to anything? It feels like im sinking more into depression again. Its like it comes to haunt me. I've been through this before. Two years ago, on medication and dealing with it. Now again? For once i thought there was no such thing and i was normal? There's other things that seem to be manourvoring towards it too, the fact is i want to go home to be with my family instead of being in Wisconsin. I don't want to stay here for the summer any more and just take classes at Augustana like i did last summer. It seems like it all over again, sleeping all the time during the weekends, and not doing any school work , missing class Monday morning to do homework that was supposed to be done during my three day weekends. Im behind in two of my four classes. I have no control over anything. Trying to understand it is that i deal with this? I mean it's already hard enough to be alone, this just makes me cry all the time. And in my fragile ness I am not finding comfort only in my room and my music. The people who i thought were my friends only make effort when i try to make an effort. They forget about me. Tonight for example Monday nights are usually the nights when a bunch of my older friends that are seniors get together and we go bowling out in Cudahay Wisconsin, and we have fun well i have biology on Monday nights from 6:50-8:10 then i was walking home calling Paul then Katie then i finally called David and he is already in cudahay with Nicole and says he will call Paul to see if they left the house, Im in my building waiting for his call, he Calls and then He says "Sorry Alex, they already left and are on there way here and we have four people to bowl" "Well i guess i will see you around at school sorry about that" and i just have to politley say ,it's ok. Which it just sank me into a deeper earthly lonliness were it seems my only contacts are myspace and facebook and even there i feel increidbly lonley. i just am at a lost to wonder or what to think.

...maybe some hope will come to me.

Alex.

A Different Box of Cookies

2007-01-24T10:17:00.000-08:00

Things have been coming and going, and so have feelings. I have re-entered school, and even though i am feeling the stress, i am enjoying it. I have got myself back into attending church on a regular basis, and i really like it. I have met some good friends, and also joining MetroServe. Which is service to different Organizations . I am excited to get to know people in my church. Things are busy and back in the swing. When coming back from a very long and stressful break (because of the sexual assault, i was sexually Assaulted over Christmas break by someone who i didn't know. it was just one of those things, i am fine but still it was pretty scary). I wasn't ready to come back, but after recommiting to the Lord, and make things right, i knew that my purpose for the semester was. I am only taking 12 credits, due to a scheduling conflict. So it gives me a chance to get involved in things. So the first Sunday back it, snows like crazy and i walk to church in it, thinking "I could of stayed in bed why am i out here" and i was determined no matter how unhappy i was to go to church. Though i am extremely glad that i went. Because the service was all about "God's Timing" and the pastor talked alot about how we can not rush that master of time. and how, we must be patient. God knows, what he is doing and He can not be rushed. The pastor was like even though we are frustrated, angry, and bitter because we don't get what we want, there are lessons that we learn in the time of not getting exactly what we want, that sermon was right down my alley. Because i had been frustrated about not dating anyone. So it was perfect, I had been praying about God working in my life, and i can see HE is, Also monday afternoon i am assuming, my grandpa (of my mom's side) passed away, so now i really have to deal with that and the stress of school and all the assignments i have due next week, so i am going home this weekend to be with my family for the funeral. Other than that, i am sadened by the loss of my Grandpa, and i haven't been praying for my family like i should. Also, i was just talking to my aunt about going to see him, and now he's gone. That was really hard and i am angry at myself for not going to see him. that really angered me. So yes, that's pretty much the whole entire of things that are going on, and i also got a job, so now im working to with school, church and service this promises to be a busy semester. so much love.

-always
Alex

Cram Time!

2006-11-28T07:47:00.000-08:00

Hey guys,

Im back from Thanksgiving. Things are STRESSFUL more than ever.
i cant explain how much i liked being home and i like being here,
maybe I just miss the luxxuries.

Things to do
1. Finish school
2. Fix jewlry
3. organize room
4. Spend time with friends
5. Make Christmas Cards
6. Make Pancakes with PHC and DE.

...seee there's a list started for the holidays.

"I can here Bing Crosby's White Christmas Album in my Head"

♥ alex

2006-11-15T11:51:00.000-08:00

Don’t let your character get camouflaged with your environment. Find who you are and let it stay in its true colors.” — Rachel Joy Scott
Marketing and promotion are an important part of selling anything. In order to convince the buyer that he or she needs to buy the wonderful product, the seller needs to get the public into his snare in order to get them to buy.

In the beginning it is all about promotion. A business dealer trying to reach the college crowd will put up flyers in recognizable spaces: on the dining tables, on the bulletin boards and on parked cars. Once the promoting is done, the organizer moves on to marketing products.

Products are how businesses make their money. It all depends on books, posters, videos and lunch boxes. That’s how New Kids on the Block went from a teen-popping group to a multi-million-dollar musical sensation. Product marketing.

This a short lesson in how to make money in the world of sales according to what I learned from Marketing 340. And all of these business techniques can be applied to the Columbine victim Rachel Scott’s father, Darrell.

You may remember him. He is a national speaker who last week came to Iowa State giving his message of compassion, caring and cashing in to an audience of 2,300 in the Ames community.

His purpose is simple. Tell the world how his daughter was killed at Columbine because she was a devoted Christian.

Not because she was in the wrong place at the wrong time, which would be a logic thought.

Scott said at the lecture that he was inspired by his daughter’s writing and felt he needed to spread her message across the county.

“One of the things I want to challenge you to do is put your thoughts down on paper,” Scott said. “Rachel had no idea when she was inspired by Anne Frank that her writings would affect millions too.”

Millions affected? Oh, please. Comparable to Anne Frank, a victim of the human tragedy of the Holocaust? Hardly.

Sure, I remember the Columbine tragedy. The memory is of my friends and I coming home from class on a beautiful spring day my freshmen year to turn on TRL expecting to watch Carson Daly, but instead saw news coverage of a high school murder.

Sad? Of course. Life-altering? Not really.

But Scott is right in the fact that if millions buy “Rachel’s Tears,” a book written by her parents for the $15 recommended price on racheljoyscott.com (the official Web site of Rachel Scott), then that will yield millions of dollars for Scott.

Or at least for the foundation he has created.

And don’t worry, if you are the type of college student who doesn’t want to read, then the video version of “Rachel’s Tears” is available for $25.

Plus there is Rachel’s journal, which was published by her mother. It is based on “months of painstaking research of Rachel’s writings and in-depth interviews with her family and friends, the book comes alive in first-person narrative as if Rachel had written it herself and is styled as a sort of spiritual workbook for teens, especially young girls. The book also features two never-before published chapters of a book that Rachel had been working on before her life was taken away.”

In an interview the co-author of the book admitted that Rachel’s mother added parts to “The Journals of Rachel Scott.”

So the parents combined her spiral-bound notebooks, scribbles, drawings, poems, and musings to create a message that could speak to high school students about Rachel’s devotion to God and Christianity.

Think for a moment about if you died — what would your parents find in your dorm room?

The scribbles on scraps of paper with random addresses of parties on Campus Avenue and phone numbers of friends. Not really a a record of a personal dedication to religion.

So I want to say, right now, “I’m sorry” to my mom and dad.

If I was killed in some kind of tragic shooting on campus, there isn’t much for my parents to cash in on. They could piece together a short speech of my dedication to life and God with the notebook of random reminders, some glitter crayons, a tin of Altoids and some overdue library books. There would be no $5,000 speech explaining my love for God and humankind. Just a talk by parents about the fact I was always late and was on a never ending quest for fresh breath.

Until then, though, Scott can continue to make money off his daughter’s unfortunate death.

He can work on getting on more television talk shows to spread the good news. He can petition the Pope on having Rachel become a saint in the Catholic Church. And maybe, just maybe, young Christian girls around the nation can play with their Rachel Scott Barbie doll. It is only a matter of time before Scott realizes that Rachel Scott Bread already exists in some parts of the United States. Maybe the two businesses could combine their efforts.

The advertisement would read: Rachel Scott Bread, a kind of hand-molded bread baked using the highest quality of ingredients, is now available at the local Hy-Vee near the “Rachel’s Tears” books. The bread is so good that it tastes like it was baked in heaven itself.

Even Rachel is enjoying a slice right now while she sits next to the 12 disciples, experiencing eternal life. Wouldn’t you enjoy some Rachel Scott bread?

It’s the Christian thing to do.

I found this in looking for my brochure layout, for CD one day, and it deeply hurt me that a journalist could so deeply attack the Christian faith like they did, i know this all so relavant, to "attack it" but was it necessary to say that saying Rachel is kinda of hard molded bread that we should be buying? I was deeply affected by the Rachel Scott journals, and it just hurts me to read this sorta of thing.

What do you think?

I need my Father.

2006-10-26T23:17:00.000-07:00

Carry me, Your love is wider than my need could ever be
Come to me, and I will walk along the shoreline
Where Your crashing waves sing in time with the pounding of my heart

Come down, pour out on me
Come down, pour out on me

River deep, could I know You as well as You know me
Constantine, we will travel faster, farther than these
Legs could ever trustworthy be

Come down, pour out on me
Come down, pour out on me

Come down, pour out on me
Come down, pour out on me

I need my Heavanly Father so desperatley.

Positive Outlook, Material Possessions.

2006-10-11T17:29:00.002-07:00

Today, was a day of all to remember, Today i was working in the lab and working hard on new prints, and i lost my ipod, i sat it down somewhere and someone stole it or took it. I couldnt find and it and i frantically looked around for it and let security know, but i know it wouldnt turn up, and when i left school i came to my room and prayed for God's wisdom to be shown and for the right things to happen with it. Then i realized, what i was lacking was Trust. I need to trust that the situation is in God's hands, and i need to stop worrying about it. It's out of my hands anyways, Maybe it will turn up and maybe it won't. Secondly, I realized don't that it is just a material possession and my dad and i were talking on the phone he said that "i was hoping you realized this, this is not a show stoper, it is a thing." and i realized that, so then i just am hopeful but still in doubt about it. Thirdly, i have no doubt in my mind that God is real, last year it was is He real? Is, God relavant and my life? And now, God has been showing himself to me, believe it, through adventures in odyessy, some of the more emotional episodes have hit me at 3 am and God has been knocking at my heart, through this kid's program. Now i dont feel like there are any doubts. There are even better, things than Ipods, and other things, Also, there are other things, that i must relaize that there are lots of other people who don't have ipods, and why am i worrying about it? I mean yes, its a loss, but at the same time it's a gain, Im gaining things, and learning things that are important. Well thats all, for now, so there are many things to be thankful for and may things that need to prayed for.

" Don't store up treasures on earth! Moths and rust can destroy them, and thieves can break in and steal them. 20Instead, store up your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy them, and thieves cannot break in and steal them. 21Your heart will always be where your treasure is.-(Luke 12.33,34)"

Love in Christ!
Alex

Sunday at the Muesum!

2006-10-08T16:03:00.001-07:00

i feel so different when looking at this. i cant really look at this girl in the picture and think that is me.

Communication Layout Page Design

2006-10-05T23:38:00.000-07:00

More than words can express

fall break is around the corner.

2006-10-04T13:26:00.000-07:00

Fall break is almost... here,
and im fiding myself forcing to get everything done so i can just enjoy the time i will be in chicago.
Such as page layouts, photography work, and various other things that really need to be taken care of.
things have been just so overwhelming for me latley, especially and it just seems like i cry at the drop of a hat. i kinda feel like im having the relapse of depression again, and i've gotten into fights with everyone it seems.
ive cried and cried, but no one sees it. I try and i try but things just arent seeming much better, although i trudge on to make the best of it.
today in Com design 1 i was doing a page layout dedicated laurie, and i was thinking about those words that Elke seem to utter two years ago, "you don't know how cool laurie thought you were" i guess i will never know what she meant by that; and how i told brain steck that i was finally accetped into college, and it wasn't so long ago that we saw each other at winter camp and laurie was there? Two years seem to go by so fast. Things change and i changed.
But to dear sweet laurie: you dont know how cool you are!

Well i think im gonna go wrap pauls b.day present and clean my room!

all the best.

2006-09-29T08:11:00.000-07:00

Pale September,
I wore the time like a dress that year
The autumn days swung soft around me,
Like cotton on my skin
But as the embers of the summer lost their breath and disappeared
My heart went cold and only hollow rhythms resounded from within
But then he rose,
Brilliant as the moon in full
And sank in the burrows of my keep

And all my armor falling down,
In a pile at my feet
And my winter giving way to warm,
As I'm singing him to sleep

He goes along just as a water lily
Gentle on the surface of his thoughts his body floats
Unweighted down by passion or intensity
Yet unaware of the depth upon which he coasts
And he finds a home in me
For what misfortune sows,
He knows my touch will reap

And all my armor failing down,
In a pile at my feet
And my winter giving way to warm,
As I'm singing him to sleep
All my armor falling down,
In a pile at my feet
And my winter giving way to warm,
As I'm singing him to sleep

its a pale september

Extremly

2006-09-14T13:05:00.000-07:00

today:

I walked forever it seemed
Carrying my large 4x5 camera.
Thinking about why i am here.

Yesterday
I was stressed out and worried
I didnt get anything done
Im extremely TIRED.

Now,
Im not sure
anymore
♥

Struggling to be Christ Like.

2006-09-03T16:48:00.000-07:00

So I'm back at school for a week now,

And I'm already fighting for my Life with Christ to stay strong.
It feels so relevantly hard for me to between to people, the Alex who people see who is this angry person and who uses bad language, It is so easy for me to get influenced by the people and friends here. Then there is the person who is so in Love with Christ and who is just so love sick for Him. I thirst so intensely these past few days, and it only seems that I'm trying hard to be this person who Christ wants me to be but it's difficult. I'm trying, although today was such a disappointment, I went to bed after getting home from Rebecca's house and having a fun time laughing about freshman year. I really wanted to go to Church but then there was that tug that said no I don't want to go, I want to sleep like everyone else. I ended up not going, and I spent half the day crying and feeling like I Hurt my self. There is definitely a struggle in my heart from two different sides of me. I know that I love Christ but its definitely hard.

On a more encouraging note,
I was reading barbs blog most recently and she was talking about weight, and loosing it and then I was really encouraged what she said about we should not focus on this - but such things as the weight of my actions, the weight of the world the weight of my heart. This made me come to see that we should be focused more on the Our actions and so forth, -thanks barb!

but I did also have another prayer request
Today was a lazy (Since I didn't make it to Metrobrook) so I decided to call a friend of mine at school who I was going to spend some time with today, So I called him and he told me he had gotten in a biking accident yesterday, and he dislocated his shoulder, so please pray for a recovery for him his name is David. Yeah...So now I have no excuse homework!

desire burning up my mind like a firefly lighting up the sky
my heart is aglow, and oh, I feel you burning up my soul.
I'm a shipwreck; a sailor lost at sea.
You're a tidal wave and you're crashing over me.
I'm caught in your current and I'm sinking,
drowning peacefully.

well, I'm crying out, come rescue me with love
like a child needs a nightlight in the dark
light me up, I'm lovesick for just one touch
you're all I need, but you never seem to be enough

I'm Romeo, desperate for your love
I'd scale these garden walls just to see the rising sun
see what light breaks softly through
it's love that I never knew

well, I'm crying out, come rescue me with love
like a child needs a nightlight in the dark
light me up, I'm lovesick for just one touch
you're all I need, but you never seem to be enough

-He is always enough
Alex

Packing with Polka Dots and Dad

2006-08-13T21:42:00.000-07:00

Today i was thinking of my dad,
and i was thinking of making a cd for us to listen to while we travel.
I think it will be good for us to spend some time together before i go back to living on my own for another year at school.

Im excited to hang out with my grandma and grandpa.
I have been thinking alot about them latley
i cant wait till i give the necklace i made for my grandma.
and i saw a humming bird tonight and it made me think of my grandma!

Well i must be off.
Im sleepy.
Lots to do!

Yesterday is gone...tomorrow is hear

2006-03-04T10:07:00.000-08:00

Last night;
was rough;
I'd been thinking about You quite often
i'd think about that year at summer camp
how i sat right next to you on the stoop of chapel
and we didnt exchange words
but as we left camp for the summer
we wished each other to have a good summer
and now more than a year has passed
and those words are still fresh in mind
When God chose you to go
i remember what i was doing when i found out.
A dear friend told me
I remember getting up the day to come see one final time
I traveled the longest time to wish you goodbye
I enjoyed to see your family of friends there who have become my friends too
i will never forget the ride home after seeing you on final time
...and now a year later
things are differant im older, im in college
i still really miss you
i cried last night on the elevator to my laundry thinking of you.
Jesus- please take care of my summer friend.

Love Alex