today i was in a meeting with Niel Hoffman , our president of MIAD. I still feel like i am lacking confidence in knowing i want to return to MIAD. I question the intentions of the school. I feel like what Niel had to say OK, but I felt like Tony was the one who listened and wrote down to really hear what I say but Friday night; and Friday was good. I tried to really keep a positive attitude about things: but the year is really stressing me out. Everything is weighing me down. I feel as if i want to just quit...quit ..quit... but Tonight i finally cried. Just let it all out; i let it all out and prayed and cried out to my father; God; I really wanted to pray that i learn to trust Him.

I know that Jesus brought me here for a reason. i wonder. what that reason is. but i know that God would never give us more than we can handle. I need to Trust in knowing that my senior thesis will be something that God wants for me; and for my life; But i really wonder what God is doing now? What am i learning from this experience of not really understanding me i think people seem to have towards me. I finally just cried and cried and really decided that to really trust God and knowing that God is here and I'm something. and my time is worth it

I know that God is here. and He is making the difference in my work; He pushed me... this far.

See, God has come to save me.I will trust in him and not be afraid. he Lord God is my strength and my song. He has given me victory - Isaiah 12:2




Today of all days; Things have to get even more stressful on me than they already are...
I feel like I just don't need to exist anymore. I feel that bad.

I go to talk to my advisor for school : to get register for classes next year the 2008-2009 year you have to have your faculty head sign your registration form . So after i had all my stuff filled out and it looked Good. My faculty member and I met , and he was expressing his concern for me say that he pretty much doesn't understand how I've made it this far with the grades I've gotten because it's mostly C's & B's. But mostly C's.. He says out of everyone in the Junior class that my work is the least he understand the most; and that my work looks like it came out of high school. That my work is not going to be good enough for the "college" level. He says that I need to learn how to set the bar higher..I need to try to do better. He said I'm not trying to hurt your feelings; but I am just being honest. At that moment I tried to hold my tears back while he was saying this. As he reluctantly signed my schedule. I told him I understood his intents I will try as hard as I ever have... I walked out there just wanting to completely drop out MIAD for good... I don't know how much more I can take of this? No one has faith in me & my skills anymore....


So what do I do? I don't exactly know but as I walked down to get my lunch the tears flowed down my face; it was like my heart had sunk deeper... I cant just let something like this go.... I went to lunch reluctantly... walking away from something like that was hard. I sat down with Kristina, and just told her as I cried over paper napkins. I said I cant be something someone else wants me to be. That criticism was not constructive... It hurt me more than anything making me feel like I would never be good enough for the teachers here @ MIAD or good enough for Larry Chattman. I just really question the motives behind these things that people try to makes us into something we aren't? I cant be anything less than I am. The thing I feel mostly is that they don't cater to my specific demographic. They treat students with inabilities to really process like crap. I really getting tired of this and people's criticism.… When will people start trying to accept my skills for me and only for me? I mean I'm showing in 3 galleries right now... Doesn't that have something to do with it? I feel like that people need to learn to accept my skills and talents for what they are....


God...where are You? Why...do I have to constantly feel like I've failed? I want to know that my time here is well spent... and that God brought me to this place to become a better artist. I literally feel like I will have a breakdown. I just want to know God is in this with me and that He knows what He is doing with me; school why does it always seemed to be the most difficult times in our lives especially in a young women's lives? Im just so tired of this; Im tired of feeling like this : i just want God to take me and tell me it will be ok... and things will work out : but somehow i don't feel like they ever will.

I feel so hopeless in my efforts to do my best in school. I've struggled to get this far...when will it be enough....?


when will everything be enough....?