I Hate Summer


Well I'm in the sun, sweat pouring down
Sticking to me, makes me feel dirty
Milwaukee sucks, I don't wanna go
I wanna go north, wanna see some snow
Summer's no fun, I don't swim I don't surf
The Pacific's not wet enough to quench my thirst
Well I hate summer yeah I hate summer
Now I hate summer yeah I hate summer
Summer blows, I can't wait 'till it goes
I hate summer oh I hate summer
I wanna go somewhere cold
I wanna see ice and snow (Get me out of this hole)

Ten minutes outside and I'm burnt bright red
Ninety in the shade, well I'd rather be dead
Some guy in a speedo, showing just what he packs
He's a musclebound lout kicking sand on my back
Get me off of the beach, the sand hurts my toes
Don't wanna suck in my stomach or peel my nose

I wanna feel the breeze
I wanna feel the freeze
I want out of the heat
The summer's no fun
Get me out of the sun

Well I hate summer yeah I hate summer
Now I hate summer yeah I hate summer
Summer blows, I can't wait 'till it goes
I hate summer oh I hate summer
I wanna go somewhere cold
I wanna see ice and snow (Get me out of this hole)


Things are so hard it seems, it seems that when your older they only get harder. I'm really going through a rough time right now, things are just out and down. and no one seems to be able to help me. It's like it's no one can understand. Today i got into a fight with natalie because she said "i was hostile" because she had this quote by freud about faith that it's just mental projection for us to make ourselves feel better. I told her i thought it was ridiculous and that He didn't know what he was talking about becasue he had no faith. Then she was like leave your hostility and your attitude at the door. Be nice. i was like seriously are you kidding me? I think thats killing me the most. it hurts me because i am struggling in a big city (we'll two years) and i am trying my hardest to find work, because i have no money and my parents can't really help me out, and she has everything handed to her. All her bills are paid and she lives in an apartment and she doesn't pay for one thing. The only thing my parents help me out with is school nothing else. I've tried so hard to be happy in Milwaukee. I wasn't happy at home, because i had no job and i was bored but now it's all repeatative. I miss my parents, i need work, and there is no one around milwaukee really to hang out with. i am here all alone, i mean there are friends here but they are busy and intitutative with their own lives. I ride my bike to church this morning with no sleep in 24 hours determined to make a difference in my spiritual life. and i sit by two of my friends that went to my school that well dont anymore. But i still feel disconnected in my own church like i know no one. I call my dad today to wish him happy father's day but nearly almost cried while saying it. I miss my dad so much. It's like i feel there is no one i can count on anymore. I've been praying more, praying for help. but it really hurts. My prayers come out all choked up and they end out in tears just begging for God to help me find work. Today was the first day in a week that i left to go somewhere. I spend mostly the week in my room alone, because i have no money and no where to go. Well except for a visit to the grocery store. i want so badly for work, for friends it pains me. my spirtual life has been doing somewhat better ive been taking time for it. but i feel that God is all i have right now. there is no one else. I know that it's time to really trust, and i have been doing that. Im learning to trust him and now that God knows it's right for me to be here. But at the same time i feel so alone, and like i've got no one. I don't think people who are around me know just how much it hurts deep inside... I spend alot of the time watching tv on my computer, or sleeping. I seem to cry alot. Let's just say maybe relapse again of depression. i've always said that it hits me bad during winter, and summer. Spring is always good. but it feels like i'm returning to that previous alex, who was always alone and sad. I just don't know what i can do anymore. I want to be with my dad .i want so much to be older i mean i am almost 21 and i need help from my parents. I feel like i've got no strength of my own to stand on. LIfe is really lonley in a big city with no friends. except for God.


So here I am. Here I am in milwaukee. I have been here for one week. Surprising isn't it? I haven't been exactly happy here
But I am trying to put a brave face on it. I have been out applying for jobs. The first week I applied for eight jobs. I mean it's been hard. But I am surviving.
I think things are ok. I've been surviving the whole not having food thing, I mean not having school provide me with meals. I've been living on anything microwaveable.
I've been eating pretty well though. It's been ok, although i've been praying really hard to find a job. I have been worried that I wont be able to find anything. I've not been happy. here. So I obviously want to go home. It's been one week.

The first week was to get out there and market myself. really market. 6 jobs in one day. then 2 another day. but when I call half of them back, it's like sorry we aren't hiring anymore. It's TOUGH. being unemployed and young. Otherwise things, have been ok. Last night I finally hung out with my friends. It seems like I had been alone for a whole week, I even went to the beach by myself. It was nice to be me, and by myself but it has been quite hard because I feel like no one. I feel like a meth junky. Because I sleep all day, and get up @ 3 in the afternoon. But tonight I well let's just see didn't sleep at all last night and I got up @ 10:00am today feeling very blah.

Last night I hung out with Paul & Katie. Katie finally has moved above paul with stacia and Kendra. it was nice to see them. Paul has now graduated and I found out that he is leaving for bolivia for a month and also and he is moving to Chi-town with david and scottie (paul's younger brother). Seems kinda weird that paul and I wont be going to school together anymore. But I still will think of him fondly. We went to Starbucks to drink and hangout. They hugged me and I was like why are you hugging me? “Its only been one month. We decided to watch clueless. We are watching the movie, and Paul had his arm around katie, I think they have finally embraced a relationship. They were hugging and snuggling together. I think it's finally embraced to yes I am dating katie or yes I am dating paul. they took this with my computer. I think it's pretty obvious.

After they she left to go get the car, me and paul were left together and I was dying to ask him the question. Are you and katie dating? Otherwise it was nice to see friends.

I went to bed last night with a heavy mind and heart. Knowing that -i really need to get a job, and I am still alone and I've been watching a lot of wedding shows wondering [when will I finally ever get into a relationship were I am fully happy?] otherwise after I had called every place I could think of that was hiring, most of them were reviewing and either or/ not hiring.

....
but p.s. I called the sushi-a-go-go place... and I ... GOT AN INTERVIEW!
but hey. it's at 10 and I know im gonna score it, because I have had experience. So but it pains me so much because I want this so badly.
so yes that is it. so peace.
im watching project runway. that I love.